Can anyone answer that for me?

I'm in a weird mood. I'm sad. And I'm hurt. And it all feels so familiar. And that's why I moved on from it the first time. And somehow I managed to wind up in it again. I'm jealous and confused. And sometimes I question where I belong. But then I look at it logically and it's like "duh." I should be happy where I am. In the arms of a good man. A generally happy relationship One that I've been in for a year. So why do I do this? Says few words and I'm back to my high school depression? Can anyone answer that for me?

The Recap

Thanksgiving: was wonderful and delicious. And since I have around 20 to go to, I gained at least 5 extra pounds.

Christmas: was wonderful and entertaining. Also around 20 to go to.

Lately: has been wonderful. Loving life.

Stop This Train.

It's a John Mayer song.
And its how i'm feeling.

I don't feel free. To myself anyways.
Don't think I'm one of those people that take living in the U.S for granted. I definitely know I'm free.

But on a personal level, I don't. I feel weighed down. In a slump.
Not that I'm not happy. I make happiness where ever I go, or at least try.
But I need something. To go somewhere. It's in my bones.

I miss Colorado. I'm thinking about finding a place to apply there for the summer. Like a rafting agency. Or a hiking guide.
How fun?

Yes. I'm doing it now

Grateful and Disappointed

I'm grateful for college, but at the same time I feel like it's weighing me down. I mean. I'm about to finish my first semester and if I'm already saying this than whats my deal?

Here, I'll break it down:
-College=oppertunity. (in the long run.)
-Life=too short to be planning for the long run the whole time, because eventually "The Long Run" will have already passed and what will I have to look back on? Really? A few years of school, some 20 odd years of working every day to plan for retirement. But then what? I'm retired! Where will I have been or done in my prime? I'll have pissed it all away planning for the long run. Thats what.

College Tips

Ill be starting a new blog soon for the fun of it. Maybe they'll help some poor soul in the future. Plan on seeing some sarcasm, but then again some real world pains. I feel like I'm living through it all already in one semester.

And saying

I'll love you forever. And that I'm sorry over and over.

Adventuring

Once again. With my wonderful boyfriend with a wild side who loves to be daring and go down unmarked back roads in Chaffee. We get lost, we get found, we hold hands the while time and I love every second of it. It'll be a year November 1. And it will be named one of the best years of my life. 💜

The sound

I love the way the sound of rain hits. Slow at first, like the beginning of a marathon race, but then it catches itself. The feet of a thousand stomping away at the dust on the Earth. And then it backs off again, letting the fastest fall the hardest. The rest fall lightly. A win may blow, Pushing the delicate drops down to the ground harder. But its all a part of the race. Thus creating the sound of rain.

As I sit

As I sit out here on the front porch, coffee cup in my hand and wearing sweats and my fuzziest north face, I quietly thank God for days like these. Chilly. Damp. Quiet. Foggy. Only the slight chirp of a bird to let me know I'm not the only thing here. And in this moment, I am happy. Peaceful. Satisfied to the core. What a beautiful Sunday.

Anxiety.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Anxiety On Earth.

and maybe that's a bold statement, but seriously- talk about stress a girl out. I can't handle the ups and downs and highs and lows and judgement and sacrifice and hurt and guilt and pain,
and this is starting to sound like something out of the Bible -
I guess everything Does in fact go back to that, but still yet, it's not what I'm talking about.

My life is a headache.

Haven't

Blogged in awhile. I guess it's my journal too. So I haven't fulfilled my duties lately.

I love

These pillows of Kayses. They feel like a soft puppy. Which may seem morbid? To have a soft puppy pillow? But it's not really a puppy. It's just soft. And I love it.


I look like Santa.

I hate when you cry

In the car. Especially in the summer. Because as your tears stream down your face, your air conditioner damn near freezes them against your cheeks.

I hate when I cry most ever time, but I especially hate it in the car. With the AC on.

Feet.

I'm walking with my head down today. Not because I'm sad, or lonely or wallowing in self pity just begging for a bully to pick on me, no. Simply because I'm watching. I'm watching feet. Some (most) people are disgusted with feet. Their stench, and their dry, cracked skin is a flaw on the body. But I'm watching feet because I'm fascinated by them. Enthralled by them. How some point in. How some point out. How fast they move how hard the stomp. How lightly they tip toe. How they make flips-flop. How some are disproportionate in that awkward stage of being a teenager. I love feet. I love the stories they tell. Where have they been? What have they tread on?

Fishing family.

I've been here for two days now with these men that I love so dearly.

Fat.

That's how I feel.

My dog is inside today.

And she's eating everything. Swear she's not dead.


Yet.

Watching.

But not getting a tattoo. Watching my younger best friend. Go out and get one. But I'm too scared to piss my dad off to get one.

What's wrong with me?
Have I outgrown my rebellious state?
What's happened to me? I've become a.. a... Wuss. Good word. I've become a wuss and I'm scared to piss people off now.

Ink

May or may not possibly be getting a tattoo tomorrow. Nervous? Check.

Car ride

With a 2 yr old for 9 hours..
Not been as bad as I expected.